PAIN

It started with a beating of my heart

A slow pulsating feeling in my brain

It continued to my fingers and toes

And numbed them so they had no where to go.

It begun to take over my body;

Injected me with sorrow

It was pain

Pain about my future,

Pain about my past

Pain about my present

Pain that it wouldn’t last

Pain about others

Pain about myself

Pain wrapped me in his arms and swaddled me like his baby

Pain riddled me with his words and imprisoned me with his promise

Pain rubbed all I couldn’t have in my face and stung me with the reality that it could attack me any day!

I fell in love with pain and we are married to this day!

ESSY

WHERE HAVE I BEEN??

Hi family,

I hope this letter finds you well. Well thank you for always checking up on me and asking after me you guys are gems. I mean real gems. But now it is time to answer the question of my whereabouts and why Essys point of view has been having a rather silent point of view lately.

First of all I have been super duper stressed, juggling so many things at once that I hardly had time for myself and the little time I had, I SLEPT!!!!

Bon bref! that was just to get you acquainted with my excuse now to the meat I know you are here for and yh feel free to show the world this because if that isn’t what a blog is for what is? But I have gone through the largest greatest thrust of depression known to men in my little world. Listen depression is real and the truth is most people feel like it isn’t or it’s just a figment of the imagination but no it is that one boy that will lure you to come into his corner and decide to screw you the hardest way possible.

Now that you know this, let me give you the gory details of my horrific tale and truth is the nights you cry yourself to sleep are the best nights TBVH!! The painful nights are especially the ones where the tears just won’t fall to release the pressure off your chest and boy I have had many of those lately.

The source of these feelings; well I know you know and yh your guess is correct. Or just to leave a hint, many a time when a fe-male is depresses it is due to the other part of the name (insert smiley). But yh whatever innit c’est la vie!

However through this period I have also thought a lot about things especially about God yes I said it I have been thinking deeply about the feelings of the big man up there a lot. Why and how have I been thinking about his feelings well because I linked how i feel to how he must feel every single day.

I asked myself, if I feel this way then how does God feel when he doesn’t receive my texts in the morning or when I don’t text or call him to update him on everything that is going on in my life. How does he feel, when I don’t send him an I love you or when I “fight” with him and won’t want to talk to him for days. This man must be really strong to contain all that hurt.

Again how does he feel when I share the time I am supposed to be spending with him on other things and people and especially post it for his poor eyes to see (insert sad puppy face here). God must be really sad watching the snaps of my life and my instagram stories because well he has no choice and there is no editing he sees it clearly through the crystal blue screen of his Sky Phone.

Anyway this is getting long so umma end it here but I am just informing you that I am well thank you all and I love you guys so much, and guess what…. God does too

Love

Essy

TRACK’S VIEW

The hills were crushing against the sky

The mills were waving their arms in the air

The birds flew and soared on high

As we watched from the seats accross the land

 

The houses docked themselves in the green

The church stood and caused a scene

The many poles added to the fray

Of the ever pleasing chaotic November day

 

In the distance the sky is blue

and the colours blend in a good natural hue

The writer takes all this in a smiles

And closes her eyes with a satisfying sigh.

ESSY

Heritage (2)

My thoughts were yielding results
I was starting to see my faults
I had thrown my heritage away
Trying to fit in today

Why I did this I do not know
Why I sit here today I still don’t know
The way ahead lies uncertain
But I know one thing’s for certain.

I need to go back to who I was
Embrace all my flaws
This is not who I am
The real me is hidden behind all the glam.

But society grants me no permit
It puts me in a fit
I still have to choose
Truth is I always think I have nothing to loose

Till the ball drops
And the clock stops
Then everything becomes clear
I need to hold my heritage dear

ESSY

 

 

HERITAGE

PART ONE (1)

It kept me awake during the night
During the day, it was all I held in sight
I didn’t know the words to explain what I felt
But I knew it was hot enough to make my innards melt

It was right there when I crossed the border
But I thought to myself, why bother?
It seemed to be telling me I was not wanted
I simply took all warnings for granted

Moving on it begun to gnaw at me
Causing me to look deep within me
I was looking for the root of my guilt
Trying to find what had been spilt

I was unsuccessful
I became totally resentful
Why is my mind doing this to me?
I started to get mad at me

Finding a solution was the right way to go
But something kept saying no
I needed a remedy
So I tried to think sensibly.

End of part one…

ESSY

A Reading List for Mother’s Day

Longreads

There is no grand unified theory of motherhood. Within every paradigm–chosen families, queer families, nuclear families, adoptive and foster families, on and on– mothering may vary a million times over. In this Mother’s Day reading list, I’ve attempted a rough chronology, from pregnancy to mourning, concluding with information about the crucial, joyful National Black Mama’s Bail Out Day.

1. “Dear Daughter, Your Mom.” (Sarah Smarsh, The Morning News, June 2014)

This is an essay about your mom: her Hooters uniform, her Mensa card, her abstinence, and the potency of mother-love:

What would I want for my daughter?

The answer was always correct and its implementation reliably unpleasant. Human intimacy, so she suffered hugs until she became enthusiastic with affection. Honesty, so she said what she meant. Love, so she showed hers.

2. “First I Got Pregnant. Then I Decided to Kill the Mountain Lion.” (Kathleen Hale, Elle, February 2017)

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RHYTHM

A calculated amassing of beats

A gorgeous cacophony of delighted streams of water

A rhythmic danceable tune

All skillfully choreographed by a mortal to bring joy and excitement to its listener.

 

Fingers twitch in tune to the beat as it drops

The blood flowing through the veins of the individual can’t help but bubble in delight

The feet gladly join in the celebration

This is finally crowned by a slight bobbing of the head

 

Till…

 

You can’t take it anymore

You can’t sit down and ignore

You can’t avoid the fact that your brain is being consumed

Consumed by the wonderful mixture being ushered in through your ears.

 

Your lips start to move suddenly

And you feel you wrote the song all on your own.

 

At that point it is confirmed,

Your soul is opened wide and is made receptive.

 

You relax and know

You know that for a few moments you are far

Far far away

 

In a distant world.

ESSY